It’s funny how strictly we humans are bound by social norms when our pets are free to be as wild as they want. Just think of all the inappropriate and disturbing things dogs get away with that we humans have never been able to do.
Take care of business anywhere
The other day I went through a very busy intersection with my dog, and she suddenly stopped halfway across the street as traffic started to move towards us, and she was there, squatting right in the middle of the crosswalk, minding his own business. Not a problem in the world.
Not that I would like to do a squat in public, but that’s the principle. I don’t have that kind of freedom. If I dropped my butt and relieved my bladder on the way to work, I would be arrested for indecent exposure. This piss would be on my permanent record. My dog, on the other hand, has taken more public dumps than I could count, and she has never been arrested, tried or stunned. Not at all. On the contrary, she was worshiped and praised, halfway.
Eat food directly off the ground
We humans are legally only allowed five seconds of fallen food. However, despite the world famous five second rule, there is an undeniable stigma associated with people eating fallen food, and quite frankly, sometimes five seconds is not enough. What if there is more than five seconds of damage?
Let’s say you drop a cheesecake in the hallway and it’s seriously splattered. There’s no saving this cake, it’s here to stay. I can’t pick it up and take it home, but it would be a shame to waste it. It only remains to eat it as is. Well, let’s face it, it takes an average person over five seconds to locate a table utensil, and well over five seconds to make a decent breach in this delicious debris. And the more time you spend picking it, the less acceptable it is.
Dogs, on the other hand, are praised and encouraged to eat their owners’ fallen food, which they lap up in record time, rendering the canine five-second rule unnecessary. It is unfair. Dogs can eat fallen food, but humans can’t? Why do we have to discriminate? Personally, I hide a lot of fallen snacks, but it’s a shame I need to be so sneaky. Can’t a clumsy girl enjoy a dusty and dirty snack without receiving looks of judgment and disgust? I mean, I use reasonable discretion. It depends on what I drop off, where I drop it off and how collectable or delicious it is. If I drop something solid on a (relatively) clean and rust-free surface, of course I will eat it. But if it is a risk or a danger to my health, I leave it to the dogs.
Sniff your butt
Generally people, and especially men, are prone to being slapped until they ogle someone’s butt for too long, while dogs are free to stick their noses into any butt they want. Standard Procedure — Nice to meet you, now don’t mind me while I examine your butt.
Again, it’s not that I like to sniff someone’s butt; it’s just the freedom that I envy. Not only are humans taught to keep our distance, but on top of that, we barricade our buttocks under layers on layers of clothing, so even if we do manage to take a look (or God forbid, a handful) of a nice ass going through there, we would have to do considerable research before we get to the real thing, and by then we would have several legal offenses on our hands. The dogs, however, openly flaunt their butts, inviting and proud – totally commando, tail up, which brings me to my next point.
Maintain several romantic relationships simultaneously
Humans do this to some extent, too, but it inevitably tends to get messy. One way or another, the dogs move without drama. How they do it is a mystery to me. Believe me, I try, but it’s hard to juggle several gentlemen at the same time. We humans are so attached to our emotions – jealousy, possessiveness, righteousness. In the meantime, dogs are free to jump the bones of anything that moves. Ironically, dogs are famous for their loyalty and loyalty, while humans who engage in multiple relationships at once are labeled as untrustworthy and unfaithful cheaters. Very strange.
lick their private
Dogs groom themselves in public, and I mean thoroughly. Anywhere their tongue can reach is likely to get a meticulous licking, and that includes their private parts. Not only could I never get out of it, but it is physically impossible for me, as a human, to bring my head or my tongue near my lower regions. It would be a shock to say the least, if not a heinous crime for me to do such an act in public, for sure. However, the dogs are spared the shame, humiliation, and disgust that I would no doubt receive for such behavior.
Why do dogs receive such preferential treatment in our homo sapien society? We obey their orders: feed them, bag their trash, worship them, take them for a walk, congratulate them on something as simple as sitting down and let them get away with what would otherwise be considered unacceptable behavior, but because they are on all fours and hairy, they are allowed? I think we humans could do by forgiving and accepting each other. Humans should be entitled to the same wild and shameless tendencies as any other animal. It’s just.
Image courtesy of Flickr user Dasu_
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